Nobody pursued me with the dreaded, “Why are you so quiet?” or “Are you okay?” They were too busy talking. Nobody was looking at me with pity or disdain. This time, however, instead of trying to push my way in and fake it, I just stepped back and stood by myself.
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One circle was deep into a TV serial I didn’t watch, another was shrieking and joking about an ant hill, and another was being held hostage to one man’s story that was not going to end any time this century. I was tired of trying to fake it in the crowd of talkers that was standing around on the grass during a fire drill at my office building. I had to blend in, to look like I was included somewhere. Sometimes I would spot another circle with a bigger opening in it and casually meander over to that space, hoping nobody saw me do it. So I used to try to push my way into a circle of talkers, or stand at the border of a group and try to fake like I was actually participating in the discussion, all the while wishing I could disappear. Another will be doing a deep dive into car insurance and meander off into driving stories, complete with hand illustrations.īut it’s a choice between enduring this empty talk or standing alone, looking like a loser, or worse - a snob. One group will be discussing recipes and the details of every dish they’ve ever had at a local restaurant. Waiting for the room to become available, we all stand in the hallway outside the door in little groups, talking, talking, talking. There’s no greater stigma than that, right?Įven when my office books a conference room for a meeting and I know everybody there, I still find myself alone in the crowd. Because that’s what being alone says, isn’t it? It says I have no friends, or that nobody wants to talk to me. And I’m just standing there by myself, sticking out like a flashing red loser. They’re either waiting to get in or hanging around afterwards in little groups, talking, talking, talking. I don’t attend church now, but I still find myself in crowds every time I attend an event alone. I couldn’t enjoy it much, however, because I was worried that I had offended the people at the church. Reflecting on these kinds of things was like a party in my head. Walking back to campus, I wanted to be able to relish the experience and think about the sermon. They were all small talk and empty banter. The conversations, however, were nothing like that. What did he think of me, dashing out first like that while everyone else loitered? Did it look like I was unhappy with the service, or with him?īut what was my other option - to stand around in the middle of all those little groups with no one to talk to? Maybe if they had been discussing the sermon or other ideas about what their faith meant to their lives, I would have mustered the courage to join in. The pastor would wait outside the door to shake everyone’s hand as they left. I didn’t know anybody, but still, would they think I was a snob for not stopping to talk with them? I was the only one walking, mumbling “excuse me” as I tried to maneuver around them towards the exit.
They wouldn’t walk towards the door they would just stand there talking, talking, talking. There was talking, talking, and more talking as people gathered in little groups. The instant the pastor dismissed us, people would jump up and start shuffling about, gathering coats and children and heading out into the aisles. Suddenly, the service would be over, and noise and chaos would erupt like a volcano.
I enjoyed this quiet, calm interlude with a predictable routine. The services were quiet, solemn affairs - not like the loud, clapping and shouting services some churches offer. It was a liturgical church with a small, dark sanctuary decorated with beautiful stained glass windows.
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